Everyone is fighting a battle. Some much larger and more life altering than others, but each one is important in it's own way. Life isn't supposed to be easy. We're all supposed to get hurt, and have our hearts broken, otherwise the good times wouldn't mean nearly as much. It's taken many years for me to realize this somewhat simple fact. Probably because, it has never made sense to me why people have to suffer and why things have to get much worse before they can get better. I guess it's all part of growing up, but this whole phenomenon still baffles me at times. Although I still can't make sense of it all, I have learned a lot about the strength to carry on, through the experiences of the women in my family. Growing up with three other women, ranging from ages 55-14, I have seen how the pressures of life can affect people at each stage. It wasn't until recently that I realized how strong these three women really are, it was like a hidden family secret, that could only be uncovered after years of pulling through myself.
I guess the only place to start would be around the year 1984. My mom was living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and married to some faceless man, that rarely crosses my mind. Although I think of him as a worthless human being, he did aid in bringing something much more meaningful than himself into this world, my sister. My mom and this man were only married a short time, and around my sisters first year of life, things ended. This would later be one the of the best decisions my mom would ever make, but at the time things didn't appear to be that clear. She picked up the pieces that were left after this broken marriage, and moved on. Not to say that her life was torn, because this man would never have nearly enough power over her to tear her down, but she knew it was time for a different life for her and her first born. The two of them, mother and daughter, moved to Columbus, Ohio with my aunt and uncle. There they would live for a year before another, not so faceless man would walk into their lives.
At this point the 1980's are coming to a close, and my mom is in her early thirties. She is as thin and as beautiful as ever. She is dressed in whatever the trend of this time period was, and has the most stylish hair cut. She's always kept up with the times, and I don't think that will change any time soon. Though she has been through some rough experiences, especially around this time, she was has always been comfortable in her own skin, and had an amount of confidence I have always envied. It was around this time when she was set up on a blind date with Jerry. They hit it off and continued to date for a year before they got engaged and were married a year after that. Like I said, my mom was in her early thirties, but Jerry was in his early twenties. Nine years apart, and in completely different stages in their lives. It didn't matter though, fate was on there side and they are still together 19 years and two more daughters later. This may be about the women in my family, but for my dad to begin a life with a women 9 years his senior, with a 3 year old, shows how strong he is as well. He adopted Rachael the day he could.
(need help making this flow better)
Jerry Coccia is Rachael's father. Always has been and always will be. Regardless of if it's his blood that runs through her veins or not, this is the only father figure she will ever need, and more importantly ever want. A story I just recently heard that occurred just few days after my parents wedding, pertains to this very well. Our dad walked in the room and Rach said "Hi Jerry!". To that mom said "He's your dad now Rachael, you can call him daddy!". "Oh, okay!" That would be the last time she would ever refer to him as anything but dad. Although this is all true, the confusion of teen age years and growing up, made this arrangement somewhat difficult at times. There were things that didn't always make sense to her, and she had questions she could never bring herself to ask. Rachael would never question who her father was, but in the early years of life no one wants to be different from their friends, and the idea that she might be weighed on her but only for a very short period of time. This wouldn't be the last time Rachael would be confused about her relationship with certain men, and would need that same strength once again.
It was her high school love, her first love, that would really confuse things for her years down the road. They began dating at age 16, in the simplest of ways. It happened somewhat like this:
"Why wont you ever date someone like me?" - Rachael
"I would date someone like you, and I plan to." - Jonathan
Something like that anyway. Regardless, they dated for over two years and developed a love that most spend their entire lives searching for. The passion, devotion, and extreme love they felt for each other is something I always find myself comparing my relationships to. It was what every girl dreams of having. But like most good things, it too came to an end. Five years went by before they saw each other again, and to this day we all know it was fate that they finally did. Rachael always wondered when they would see each other again. Would it be in the grocery store? Or just passing each other on the road? What would she wear? Would they talk? She had moved on, and so had he, but those closest to her knew that the spot he held in her heart would always be his so we were all interested to see what would happen as well. Rachael has never been as confident as she should be. She lights up the room as soon as she walks in, and heads always turn. She's beautiful, but she wont believe you if you tell her. When this day finally came, the day she had wondered about for so long, the butterflies in her stomach were more like a flock of seagulls frantic inside her.
The night this all finally happened, they were both at a party with many of Jonathan's Marine brothers. It was the first time they were all home from Iraq together and it was definitely something to celebrate. Jonathan had made it trough two tours in Iraq, and was ready to start school and begin the life he'd always wanted. The night was spent drinking around a campfire out in the country. Neither Rachael's boyfriend, or Jonathan's girlfriend were there (another odd part aspect of the night) and as everyone started slowly retiring to the house, Rach and Jonathan were left alone. They did talk. About anything and everything. Whenever we talk about this night, Rachael says "we were flirting like we were in 6th grade" and a huge smile stretches across her face. Hours past, and it was 4 A.M. before Rachael decided to attempt to leave. Ben, her current boyfriend, was probably worried about her, and it was way past when she had told him she'd be home. It took her a while to convince him to let her leave, but when she finally did, he walked her to her car, where they stood talking some more. When the time came for her to actually, they kissed, and she said it was like every emotion she'd ever felt her entire life ran through her all at once in that brief second. Yes, things do change, but somethings do not, and that kiss was just like the millions they had shared years earlier.
Where things would have gone between the two of them after this night will always remain unknown.
As Rachael began to pull out of the drive way in that early morning darkness, her lights shown on Jonathan, engulfing him in an illuminescent light. "He looked like an angel" Rachael would tell me months later.
No one is sure what happened after her head lights were out of sight, but Jonathan was found dead the next morning towards the end of that long, windy, wooded country driveway where Rachael departed from just hours earlier. My prayers will forever go out to Jonathan's family. He was their only child, their Marine who made it out of Iraq, but who they lost right here in Ohio. For Rachael, this whole experience is still hard to talk about. Words will never explain the feelings she has and how much of an effect it will all have on her for the rest of her life.
I remember the funeral like it was yesterday. I held her hand the whole time, knowing nothing I could say would make any of this any better. It all still makes no sense to any of us. I used to believe that everything happened for a reason, but after this I'm not so sure. There was no reason for him to be taken from this world. But I do know, and will forever believe that it was fate that brought the two of them together that night. In times like this it's as if people know what's going to happen and want to tie up loose ends before it's too late. As wrong as it may be to say given the circumstances, I truly believe Rachael was the one Jonathan wanted to be with on his last night. Their love was strong enough to last five years without their eyes meeting even once, and is strong enough to last eternally. Even if they can never be together again.
Through all of this, Rachael became an even stronger person. She was once again left confused because she knew how much she loved Ben, but Jonathan was still that person that no one could compare to. Although things have fallen back into place for her, their last night together has not left her and never will.
"I have dreams about it a lot. The whole night just replays in them over and over. It's always the same dream. They all end with me pulling away. I look up at him, and it's like he's glowing, like he's my angel."
These two women have been the driving force in the person I have become. Not at day goes by that I don't wonder if what I'm doing is something that would make them proud, but also be something they would do themselves. I have always wanted to be just like Rachael but deep down I think we both want to be just like our mother. Through them I have figured out exactly what I want in life. My experiences haven't been as crucial as theirs thus far, but the ones I have been through have been somewhat life altering for me.
I never used to understand what it meant to truly get your heart broken. I had been hurt before, but it wasn't until junior year of high school that I truly felt a broken heart. That feeling you get where you ache in places you never even knew you had. That constant tearing feeling in your heart that you think will never go away. The point of pure desolation that makes it hard to even breathe. I understand that the situation that first brought this on, will sound quite minuscule to most people, but to me it meant that my life, everything that I had worked for since age five, was disintegrating right before my eyes.
It was more than a game to me. It was more than just a sport even. It was all I knew, all I wanted. It was a way of life. It was who I was. For thirteen years soccer was my entire world. Everything I did revolved around it, and I didn't want it any other way, it was what I lived for. And everything I did, I did for one reason; to play on varsity at my high school. The excitement of playing on my school's field, wearing my schools name,and with the girls that had become my family was what I had always dreamed about. It was this goal that I'd had since I can remember. I knew my talent level, and I knew it'd be close to junior year before this would happen, and that was fine with me, I'd have two years to do what I had always wanted to. After dressing varsity my sophomore year, my dream felt closer than ever. After a last minute coaching change, I knew I had to start all over and prove myself again. To this day I think I did all that I could. I still go through that week of try outs over and over in my head, wondering what more I could have done. Regardless of the amount of hard work I put in, in front of this man and on my own, he took my goal, and my heart, and stomped on them both. Everything I had worked for, was thrown out the window in the longest two minute meeting of my life.
I walk into the coaches office, not knowing my fate, and barley breathing. The JV coach, one who had grown to be like a second mom to me, couldn't even look at me and I saw tears streaming down her face. My heart started to race.
"We have picked you for the JV team." - idiot head coach
No comment from me. I just slouch down as low as possible in that freezing cold, blue aluminum chair.
"What number would you like?"- idiot assistant coach
Glare from me.
"Do you have any questions?"- idiot head coach
"Nope. And 5, for the third year in a row."
I barley make it to the door before my knees buckle beneath me and I begin to fall to the ground. My best friend, who had met the same destiny as I had caught me, and we took off together. Never stopping to look at anyone. We wouldn't have been able to see them through the massive bulge of tears built up in our eyes anyway.
Like I said, people have gone through much, much worse, and I know how lucky I am to have this as a pivotal moment in my life. But to an athlete, who loved the game as much as me, and worked as hard as I had, this day would forever change my life. From that day forward, I took all the bull crap that idiot fed me, and used to fuel my fire. I worked harder than I ever thought possible, and did everything it took to prove where I belonged. By the end of the season I was dressing varsity, had lettered, and had a starting spot as a senior for the following year. Regardless, I would never forget what this man had done to me.
If I could go back, I would do everything exactly the same because I came out on top. I proved to someone that he couldn't have been more wrong, and it was one of the best feelings I have ever felt to date. This man may have ruined what I had hoped for all my life, but he could never take away all that I had learned from this game. A recent article pertains to all of this. In it, it says that "Sports provide an educational experience that can not be duplicated in the classroom". I learned more about hard work, dedication, and the will to carry on through this game than most ever will. And for that, I will never regret any of it.
After I finally came to terms with all of the ups and downs, I began hoping that would be the last time I would ever feel that heartache again. Wishful thinking I know. It wasn't even four months later when it all began again, but in a much different way.
I've had a boyfriend since I can remember. They've all been pretty serious, but there is one that sticks out and probably always will. A part of me thinks he may be my Jonathan. The other part of me hopes to God he isn't.
We started dating in December of my Junior year. Over two years ago, and I still remember every single thing about us. A sign perhaps? Regardless, I couldn't bring myself to go over every single hill on our roller coaster of a relationship; it's still too hard to think about. We broke up every two months for a year, each break up lasting four days. I'm serious, I could mark it on the calendar. Every time he'd pull the same shit, and I'd not only let him get away with it, but I'd be waiting with open arms by day four. I still don't know why I ever let him get a hold on me like that. Like Rachael, I am not very confident in my looks or what I am able to accomplish, but one thing I have always been strong enough to stand for- no was going to treat me any way other then the way I deserved to be treated. That all changed with him.
Each time he would pull one of his stunts, I'd be left heartbroken. I had never felt more alone before in my life. I was working so hard for someone, who would have never done the same for me in return. It took over a year for me to realize the kind of girl I had become. I was the girl I always looked down upon. The one who couldn't stand up for herself. The one who gave in to the a guy, just because she needed the satisfaction of his approval. That couldn't be further from the person I am, and although it took a while, I'm glad I finally found the strength to realize it.
As much as I'd like to say I'd change it all if I could, I know I wouldn't. Everything that happened with us happened for a reason. If nothing else is taught me what I don't deserve and led me to a new relationship that is incomparable to all the ones before it. For the first time I believe I may have found my Ben. The one I may spend the rest of my life with. But just like Jonathan does in Rachael's heart, Kevin will probably always have one in mine, even though he never deserved it to begin with.
I know it was because of the women in my family that I got through both of these situations. The battles they had fought and won years before my own, were like a light in the darkness of my tunnels. Because of them I had the subconscious mindset that I could not only get through the bad times, but also come out on top.
The youngest of the four women, is fourteen and going through those painful middle school years. She has fallen into the trap of attitude and know-it-all-ism, that we all know and love. Because of this, and the fact that my parents are quite worn out from their first two, she tends to get the short end of the stick most of the time. She is unbelievably hard to get along with at times, but now that I am older, I have begun to see how strong she is as well. It has to be hard being the last one to do everything. Having to watch all of our games, when we're too busy now to make it to all of hers. Having to be the only kid at home, when we always had each other to split the blame with. Still being the baby, and knowing she always will be. She has a strength that I don't think she even know she has. She watches and learns through each of our mistakes, but also doesn't hold back even though she knows what it's like to get hurt. She plays a game she loves, just like her sisters did, knowing that they both got their hearts broken because of it. She gets involved in relationships, even though she's seen us cry until our eyes are blood shot and swollen over boys who hurt us. She isn't afraid to try things, knowing what could come from them. That's a strength I think everyone needs to have. She is willing to live her life, and risk the heart ache, because she's also seen how happy we have become despite all of the tough times. Truth is, I look up to her much more than I ever thought I would.
My life is what it is because of a lot of people. Every time someone walks into your life, they impact you. Whether good or bad, they leave an imprint on your life. But there's those few, irreplaceable people that leave an imprint on your heart, and those are the ones I live for. The bond I have with my sister's can not be explained but if I were to try there's a quote that some what sums it up. "The sibling bond is a connection between the selves, at both intimate and the public levels; it is a 'fitting' together of people's identities." These two women have brought more to my life than I will ever be able to explain, but I hope someday I will be able to find the words to give our story the diction it deserves. Along with them, my mother has been my other guiding light and the one I have always wanted to shine the most for. Although this is about the women in my family, there is much thanks to give to my father who has always been there for the four of us, never loosing his mind but most of his hair. To these people I am eternally thankful.
Through them I have learned that things are going to happen in life that you cant stop, but that's no excuse to shut out the world. And also that, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. These life lessons about the strength to carry on are the ones that have carried me through some of the worst heart ache I have felt to this point. It's the single mother, trying to start over. The confused twenty four year old, who has lost the love of her life, but also found her soul mate. It's the fourteen year old, who knows her place in the family and may not like it at times, but knows she has so much life left to live, and cant wait to get started. It's these women with the strength to carry on, and the strength to face whatever life will throw at them. Because even the hardest of times are worth it, because they are what lead you to good things. They are what teach you the most. It's the strength gained through these moments, that make people great.
