*
Everyone is fighting a battle. Some much larger and more life altering than others, but each one is important in it's own way. Life isn't supposed to be easy. We're all supposed to get hurt, and have our hearts broken, otherwise the good times wouldn't mean nearly as much. It's taken many years for me to realize this somewhat simple fact. Probably because, it has never made sense to me why people have to suffer and why things have to get much worse before they can get better. I guess it's all part of growing up, but this whole phenomenon still baffles me at times. Although I still can't make sense of it all, I have learned a lot about the strength to carry on, through the experiences of the women in my family. Growing up with three other women, ranging from ages 55-14, I have seen how the pressures of life can affect people at each stage. It wasn't until recently that I realized how strong these three women really are, it was like a hidden family secret, that could only be uncovered after years of pulling through myself. Although there may be some similarities, my goal is not to compare each situation to another, because that would be an impossible task. We are all at such different stages in our lives, so what may seem life altering today could be quite minuscule tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that each occurrence didn't make the ground below our feet crumble in it's own way.
-The strength to move on-
I guess the only place to start would be around the year 1984. My mom was living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and married to some faceless man, that rarely crosses my mind. Although I think of him as a worthless human being, he did aid in bringing something much more meaningful than himself into this world, my sister. My mom and this man were only married a short time, and around my sisters first year of life, things ended. This would later be one the of the best decisions my mom would ever make, but at the time things didn't appear to be that clear. She picked up the pieces that were left after this broken marriage, and moved on. Not to say that her life was torn, because this man would never have nearly enough power over her to tear her down, but she knew it was time for a different life for her and her first born. The two of them, mother and daughter, moved to Columbus, Ohio with my aunt and uncle. There they would live for a year before another, not so faceless man would walk into their lives.
-The strength to start over-
At this point the 1980's are coming to a close, and my mom is in her early thirties. She is as thin and as beautiful as ever. She is dressed in whatever the trend of this time period was, and has the most stylish hair cut. She's always kept up with the times, and I don't think that will change any time soon. Though she has been through some rough experiences, especially around this time, she was has always been comfortable in her own skin, and had an amount of confidence I have always envied. It was around this time when she was set up on a blind date with Jerry. They hit it off and continued to date for a year before they got engaged and were married a year after that. Like I said, my mom was in her early thirties, but Jerry was in his early twenties. Nine years apart, and in completely different stages in their lives. It didn't matter though, luck was on there side and they are still together 19 years and two more daughters later. This may be about the women in my family, but for my dad to begin a life with a women 9 years his senior, with a 3 year old, shows how strong he is as well. He adopted Rachael the day he could.
-The strength of acceptance-
Jerry Coccia is Rachael's father. Always has been and always will be. Regardless of if it's his blood that runs through her veins or not, this is the only father figure she will ever need, and more importantly ever want. A story I just recently heard that occurred just few days after my parents wedding, pertains to this very well. Our dad walked in the room and Rach said "Hi Jerry!". To that our mom said "He's your dad now Rachael, you can call him daddy!". "Oh, okay!" That would be the last time she would ever refer to him as anything but dad. Although this is all true, the confusion of teen age years and growing up, made this arrangement somewhat difficult at times. There were things that didn't always make sense to her, and she had questions she could never bring herself to ask. Rachael would never question who her father was, but in the early years of life no one wants to be different from their friends, and the idea that she might be weighed on her but only for a very short period of time. This wouldn't be the last time Rachael would be confused about her relationship with certain men, and would need that same strength once again.
-The strength to carry on-
It was her high school love, her first love, that would really confuse things for her years down the road. They began dating at age 16, when just loving yourself is a hard enough task. Regardless, they decided to defeat the odds and do what most hadn't even begun to think about. They dated for over two years and developed a love that most spend their entire lives searching for. The passion, devotion, and extreme love they felt for each other is something I always find myself comparing my relationships to. But like most good things, it too came to an end. I remember the days that followed being full of tears, confusion, and unanswerable questions. As hard as I tried, I couldn't find the words to make things even the slightest bit better for Rachael. It was one of those things that no one can really help with. It was up to her to dry her tears, realize things just happen sometimes, and to do her best to move on.
Five years went by before they saw each other again, and to this day we all know it was an insane coincidence that they finally did. Rachael always wondered when they would see each other again. Would it be in the grocery store? Or just passing each other on the road? What would she wear? Would they talk? She had moved on, and so had he, but those closest to her knew that the spot he held in her heart would always be his so we were all interested to see what would happen as well. When this day finally came, the day she had wondered about for so long, the butterflies in her stomach were more like a huge pack of seagulls frantic inside her.
I didn't have the chance to see Rachael the night this finally happened, but I can almost guess what she looked like. She wouldn't have on anything overly flashy or revealing. That's not her style. She's the conservative and classy type and fits it well. Her hair would be blonde at this point, and falling right around her shoulder blades. Her face would have barley any make up on it. It's not needed when you have skin as soft and smooth as silk and eyes that wide and bright. I know she lit up the room as soon as she entered and that heads turned, they always do. She's beautiful, but she wont believe you if you tell her.
The night this all finally happened, they were both at a party with many of Jonathan's Marine brothers. It was the first time they were all home from Iraq together and it was definitely something to celebrate. Jonathan had made it trough two tours in Iraq, and was ready to start school and begin the life he'd always wanted. He had filled out, and was no longer the lanky, muscle-less guy he once was, but hes genuine smile remained. The night was spent drinking around a campfire out in the country. Neither Rachael's boyfriend, or Jonathan's girlfriend were there (another odd part aspect of the night) and as everyone started slowly retiring to the house, Rach and Jonathan were left alone. They did talk. About anything and everything. Whenever we talk about this night, Rachael says "we were flirting like we were in 6th grade" and a huge smile stretches across her face. Hours passed, and it was 4 A.M. before Rachael decided to attempt to leave. Ben, her current boyfriend, was probably worried about her, and it was way past when she had told him she'd be home. It took her a while to convince Johnathan to let her leave, but when she finally did, he walked her to her car, where they stood talking some more. When the time came for her to actually leave, they kissed, and she said it was like every emotion she'd ever felt her entire life ran through her all at once. Yes, things do change, but some things do not, and that kiss was just like the millions they had shared years earlier.
Where things would have gone between the two of them after this night will always remain unknown.
As Rachael began to pull out of the drive way in that early morning darkness, her lights shown on Jonathan, fully engulfing him like a hurricane wave over a beach front city. This image, of him completely carpeted in celestial light, is one that has not left her memory. "He looked like an angel" Rachael would tell me months later.
No one is sure what happened after her tail lights were out of view. All that we know is that sometime after she left, Johnathan got into the truck he loved so much and made his way for the road. It wasn't until around 9 A.M. that people began wondering where he was, and headed out to find him. It was towards the end of that long, curvy, wooded driveway that his friends caught a glimpse of something that would change their lives forever. It was then that Jonathan was found, lying on the ground a few feet away from the truck. He was no longer alive. To this day we are not sure how all of this happened. All that is known is that at some point, Johnathan lost control, hit a tree, and was ejected from his truck. He was just a few feet from where Rachael had departed just hours earlier. My prayers will forever go out to Jonathan's family. He was their only child, their Marine who made it out of Iraq, but who they lost right here in Ohio.
For Rachael, this whole experience is still hard to talk about. Words will never explain the feelings she has and how much of an effect it will all have on her for the rest of her life.
I remember the funeral like it was yesterday. It was a cloudy day, with rain on and off throughout. The church was packed with family, friends, and marines dressed from head to toe in their navy blue uniforms. I held my sisters hand the whole time, knowing nothing I could say would make any of this any better. It all still makes no sense to any of us. I used to believe that everything happened for a reason, but after this I'm not so sure. There was no reason for him to be taken from this world. Although I question if everything happens for a reason, I do know that it was something more than just chance that brought Rachael and Johnathan together that night. In times like this it's as if people subconsciously know what's going to happen and want to tie up loose ends before it's too late. As wrong as it may be to say given the circumstances, I truly believe Rachael was the one Jonathan wanted to be with on his last night. Their love was strong enough to last five years without their eyes meeting even once, and is strong enough to last eternally. Even if they can never be together again.
The days following this, were much like the days that occurred more than five years earlier. Tears, confusion and unanswerable questions. This time though, things were much more serious, and completely life altering for everyone involved. But much like before, Rachael found strength inside herself to pull through and became an even stronger person. She was once again left confused because she knew how much she loved Ben, but Jonathan was still that person that no one could compare to. Although things have fallen back into place for her, their last night together has not left her and never will.
Rachael attempted to explain to me by saying: "I have dreams about it a lot. The whole night just replays in them over and over. It's always the same dream. They all end with me pulling away. I look up at him, and it's like he's glowing, like he's my angel."
*
These two women have been the driving force in the person I have become. Not at day goes by that I don't wonder if what I'm doing is something that would not only make them proud, but also be something they would do themselves. I have always wanted to be just like Rachael but deep down I think we both want to be just like our mother. Through them I have figured out exactly what I want in life. My experiences haven't been as crucial as theirs thus far, but the ones I have been through have been somewhat life altering for me.
-The strength to persevere-
I never used to understand what it meant to truly get your heart broken. I had been hurt before, but it wasn't until junior year of high school that I truly felt a broken heart. That feeling you get where you ache in places you never even knew you had. That constant tearing feeling in your heart that you think will never go away. The point of pure desolation that makes it hard to even breathe. I understand that the situation that first brought this on, and even the one that followed, may sound quite inadequate to most people, especially compared to the ones my mom and sister have gone through. But to me they meant that something I'd worked for my whole life, and something I'd wanted my whole life, were somewhat disintegrating right before my eyes.
Soccer was more than a game to me. It was more than just a sport even. It was all I knew, all I wanted. It was a way of life. It was who I was. For thirteen years this sport was my entire world. Everything I did revolved around it, and I didn't want it any other way, it was what I lived for. And everything I did, I did for one reason; to play on varsity at my high school. The excitement of playing on my school's field, wearing my schools name,and with the girls that had become my family was what I had always dreamed about. It was this goal that I'd had since I can remember. I knew my talent level, and I knew it'd be close to junior year before this would happen, and that was fine with me, I'd have two years to do what I had always wanted to. After dressing varsity my sophomore year, my dream felt closer than ever. After a last minute coaching change, I knew I had to start all over and prove myself again. To this day I think I did all that I could. I still go through that week of try outs over and over in my head, wondering what more I could have done. Regardless of the amount of hard work I put in, in front of this man and on my own, he took my goal, and my heart, and stomped on them both. Everything I had worked for, was thrown out the window in the longest two minute meeting of my life.
As I sat down in a blue, aluminum chair I realized that the tension was thick enough to cut through. My arms were newly sunburned, due to the T-shirt I wore with the sleeves cut off, and goosebumps began to rise to where they resembled more like hills than subtle bumps. It was then that I was told that I'd be on the JV team for a third year in a row. I would "always dress varsity, but they needed my talent and leadership to help better those on JV." This explanation was not nearly enough to make this situation any where near acceptable for me, and for the first time in my life I thought of never playing soccer again. Once the coach was done speaking, I pulled myself out of the chair, and left the office. I barley made it to the door before my knees buckled beneath me and I began to fall to the ground that was slowly splitting beneath me. My best friend, who had met the same destiny as I had caught me, and we took off together. Never stopping to look at anyone. We wouldn't have been able to see them through the massive bulge of tears built up in our once hopeful eyes anyway.
Like I said, people have gone through much, much worse, and I know how lucky I am to have this as a pivotal moment in my life. But to an athlete, who loved the game as much as me, and worked as hard as I had, this day would change me forever. I decided not to quit, this was a game I loved and I wouldn't let anyone take that away from me. So, from that day forward, I took the cards that were dealt to me and used all the heartache I felt to fuel my fire. I worked harder than I ever thought possible, and did everything it took to prove myself. By the end of the season I had lettered, and had a starting spot as a senior for the following year. I am proud to say that this is how and it turned out, and from it I learned a lesson about perseverance that I will take with me throughout my life. I also learned that I am the only person able to define myself, and that proving people wrong about what I can achieve, is one of the greatest feelings I have felt to date. A recent article pertains to all of this. In it, it says that "Sports provide an educational experience that can not be duplicated in the classroom" (Barron, Ewing, Waddell 1). I learned more about hard work, dedication, and the will to carry on through this game than most ever will. And for that, I will never regret any of it.
-The strength of realization-
After I finally came to terms with all of the ups and downs, I began hoping this would be the last time I would ever feel that heartache again. Wishful thinking I know. It wasn't even four months later when it all began again, but in a much different way.
I've had a boyfriend since I can remember. They've all been pretty serious, but there is one that sticks out and probably always will. A part of me thinks he may be my Jonathan. The other part of me hopes to God he isn't.
We started dating in December of my Junior year. Over two years ago, and I still remember every single thing about us. A sign perhaps? Regardless, I couldn't bring myself to go over every single hill on our roller coaster of a relationship; it's still too hard to think about and it would take much too long to do so. We broke up every two months for a year, each break up lasting four days. I'm serious, I could mark it on the calendar. Every time he'd pull the same stunts, and I'd not only let him get away with it, but I'd be waiting with open arms by day four. I still don't know why I ever let him get a hold on me like that. Putting aside my lack of confidence in other aspects of my life, there has always been one thing I have been strong enough to stand for- no was going to treat me any way other then the way I deserved to be treated. That all changed with him.
He figured out a way to get inside my head, and it was like he had me all figured out. He knew exactly what he could get away with, and exactly when to come crawling back with some sob story and tears for days. Being the overly sensitive person I am, this always worked and pulled me even deeper into this love colored quicksand. I was sinking into the type of relationship I had always judged and becoming the girl I'd always judged. I was being controlled and getting walked all over just because I needed the satisfaction of this guys approval. I was completely blinded by what I thought was true love, when in reality it was lust at its finest. It wasn't until the following November that I realized who I was becoming, and what I began looking like to my closest family and friends. It was my mom and Rachael who really drove it into my head that this wasn't right. Put this guys good looks and even better planned out lines aside and what did he have that made me crumble before him? It was time to stop working so hard for someone who wouldn't work half as hard for me.
The last break up went just like all the others, but for some reason I knew in my heart it was really the end. After this break up, Kevin didn't come to me with his head tucked away in his Gahanna Lincoln Football sweatshirt, with tears streaming down his face and I didn't go to him either. Finally this marry-go-round had stopped, and it was time to get off. Close to year went by before even a word was spoken between us, and even now we walk by each other like strangers on the street.
It took a while for me to come to the conclusion I did, but I'm glad I finally not only found the strength to realize it, but also the strength to get out of it. And as much as I'd like to say I'd change it all if I could, I know I wouldn't. Everything that happened with us happened for a reason. If there was a time in my life that I would ever want to go through all of that, it would be my last years of high school. If nothing else it taught me what I don't deserve and to be more susceptible to change, as hard as it may be. Not only that but it led me to a new relationship that is incomparable to all the ones before it. For the first time I believe I may have found my Ben. The one I may spend the rest of my life with. But just like Jonathan does in Rachael's heart, Kevin will probably always have a spot in mine, even though he never deserved it to begin with.
*
I know it was because of the women in my family that I got through both of these situations. The battles they have fought and won years before my own, were like a light in the darkness of my tunnels. Because of them I had the subconscious mindset that I could not only get through the bad times, but also come out on top. My mom and older sister may be the ones that I look to for direction and guidance, but my life would be much different if it weren't for my little sister as well. It may not seem as though she has any story tying her to the older women, because she is young, but I believe she is linked just as much but in a way that may go unnoticed. Her link is that she is just now beginning to embark on all of these struggles and it's her time to decide what path she wants to take. She has watched, heard, and felt much of what the three before her have gone through. What have we taught her? What will she take away from all our struggles and the strength we've had throughout?
-The strength to live your life-
Beth is fourteen and going through those painful middle school years. She is finally out of her awkward stage, and turning into a beautiful young woman. Her teeth are perfectly straight, after years of braces. She has finally learned how to do her hair, straight and curly, thanks to her big sisters. She's tall and extremely skinny, though you'd never know it by the way she eats. She looks so much like Rachael, with those wide hazel eyes and that soft skin, it's scary at times. She is finally becoming comfortable with who she is, although we all know that person could change many times between now and the next few years. I suppose it comes with the age, but she has also fallen into the trap of attitude and know-it-all-ism that we all know and love. Because of this, and the fact that my parents are quite worn out from their first two, she tends to get the short end of the stick most of the time. She is unbelievably hard to get along with at times, but now that I am older, I have begun to see how strong she is as well. It has to be hard being the last one to do everything. Having to watch all of our games, when we're too busy now to make it to all of hers. Having to be the only kid at home, when we always had each other to split the blame with. Still being the baby and knowing that will never change, even though she's more than ready to grow up. She has a strength that I don't think she even know she has. She watches and learns through each of our mistakes, but also doesn't hold back even though she knows what it's like to get hurt. She plays a game she loves, just like her sisters did, knowing that they both got their hearts broken because of it. She gets involved in relationships, even though she's seen us cry until our eyes are blood shot and swollen over boys who hurt us. She isn't afraid to try things, knowing what could come from them. That's a strength I think everyone needs to have. She is willing to live her life, and risk the heart ache, because she's also seen how happy we have become despite all of the tough times. She may not have her own heart wrenching stories to tell yet, but she's been there for us through ours and learned a lot while doing so, and I think that binds her too us in it's own unique way. Truth is, I look up to her much more than I ever thought I would.
-The strength to learn from others-
My life is what it is because of the impact people have left on me. Each of these people have bettered me in some way, but there are a some that have gone a step further. It's these few, irreplaceable people that have left an imprint on my heart, and those are the ones I live for. The bond I have with my sister's could never be fully explained or understood, but that doesn't keep me from trying to do just that. There is a quote that may help somewhat- "The sibling bond is a connection between the selves, at both intimate and the public levels; it is a 'fitting' together of people's identities" (Bank 15). These two women have brought more to my life than I will ever be able to explain thoroughly enough, but I hope someday I will be able to find the words to give our story the diction it deserves. Along with them, my mother has been my other guiding light and the one I have always wanted to shine the most for. Although this is about the women in my family, there is much thanks to give to my father who has always been there for the four of us, never loosing his mind (though he lost most of his hair!). To these people I am eternally thankful.
Through them I have learned that things are going to happen in life that you cant stop, but that's no excuse to shut out the world. And also that, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. These life lessons about the strength to carry on are the ones that have carried me through some of the darkest days I have felt to this point. It's the single mother, trying to start over. The confused twenty four year old, who has lost the love of her life, but also found her soul mate. It's me, the nineteen year old who has learned to love with her whole heart, never holding back, no matter the outcome. It's the fourteen year old, who knows her place in the family and may not like it at times, but knows she has so much life to live, and cant wait to get started. It's these women with the strength to face whatever life will throw at them who I strive to be like. They have proved that even the hardest of times are worth it, because they are what lead to good things. They are what teach you the most. It's the strength gained through these life changing moments, that make people great.
